FIFTH CHAKRA 101

For those friends who would like a better understanding of this chakra (Sanskrit for “wheel” and referring to energy centers or nodes in the subtle body), it is associated with communication and creative expression and when healthy and unblocked, allows one to express herself wholly and in ways that are deeply satisfying. Nancy Hausauer puts it well:

“Someone with an ideally healthy fifth chakra is usually able to create a distinctive and fulfilling life for themselves. They are very in touch with themselves and what is true for them. They are good listeners as well as effective speakers and/or writers. They are known for honesty and have a knack for getting to the underlying truth of matters. They are often influential or inspirational to others. They usually have rich creative lives, and often pleasing speaking and/or singing voices. They may be musical or poetic. They will usually have healthy necks, shoulders, mouths, ears, noses, sinuses, and thyroid glands.” 

One of the first phrases that comes to mind when thinking about the throat chakra is “speaking one’s truth.” It has made sense to me, then, to spend some time questioning whether I had become blocked by not recognizing my own truth and, therefore, not communicating it. The trouble with that endeavor is that I do know my truth and am certain about who I am and what I need. At least, this has been so for the past several years as I navigated an unsteady path and found security and independence. There seemed to be no lurking issues or dark, long-buried emotions. As for expressing myself, I’ve always been outspoken and assumed that that was enough. So where was the glitch and why is my messed-up chakra making me sick?!

It became clear to me, as a result of the past week’s interactions with a multitude of medical professionals, that I have been mistaken – that “speaking out” is merely the act of vocalizing, while “telling my truth” implies a sort of honoring of Self, as well as the expectation that my listener will respect my message (regardless of whether s/he actually does).  Eleanor Franklin’s well-known quote, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” rings true here. I have survived the past several decades assuming that if I wanted something from someone, I needed to manipulate my communication towards the one end, that of creating in the receiver the desire to deliver. I am now brought up short, dumbfounded as I realized that this, in no way, constitutes healthy communication.  But the most disturbing part is that I too believed my own messages.  This is NOT truth-telling.

Okay, so what was the lesson that I needed to learn over the past two weeks?  An earlier post mentions the effort to be a compliant patient in order to ensure the best of care and it also notes my inner rebel.  With those competing factions playing out continuously, despite a conscious effort to quiet the clatter, I have found myself becoming enraged and exhausted. Why do I need to ask that my medical care be delivered in a way satisfying to me?  Why are these people treating me like a child?  Why do they need to be so freakin’ nosey, so invasive?!  And WHY do they ask the very same questions over and over and over when each has typed in my responses, over and over and over????!

@#$%&!

I became worn out from the furor and then even angrier when I realized that I was expending energy that should be directed towards healing on all the festering instead. At a loss, feeling stuck, I went to bed on Wednesday night, resolving to put a lid on it the very next day. I saw no choices, no alternatives.

Most of us have heard it said that if you go to bed thinking about a problem you seek resolution for, you will often wake up knowing exactly what to do or how to best approach the problem. I can verify that this phenomenon does, indeed, occur because that is what happened overnight for me. In this case, I awoke with a clear vision and a certainty about how to proceed and for the next two days, found great success in the process. It’s actually so simple and to those of you who already practice deep honesty, something of a no-brainer.

I realized that it’s not about identifying a “want” and trying to have it recognized and met but, rather, it presupposes a deep self-knowledge and the rooted assurance that you know what you need and it is honorable.  So, under this condition, there is no need to beg or to manipulate.  There is only choice in how you communicate what you need and want and a decision about how you receive the response. So simple.

From the moment of that realization, everything became so much easier.  My shoulders relaxed a little and I experienced some real calm and a true sense of equanimity.  They asked the rote questions; I answered them.  They offered their recommendations and warnings (always lots of warnings…ugh!); I listened and considered.  When I perceived an infantalizing tone, I overlooked it. Not my problem. I know, with complete confidence, that I am not a child and that I can and will make my own choices, carve my own way. So why react? I don’t need to proclaim my maturity or defensively remind others that I will make my own decisions.  I will just do it, when it is an appropriate option.  The medical team is still in charge of my care and I depend upon that and am grateful for their vast and stunning expertise.  But how I respond to their ministrations is entirely up to me.

Easy-peasy.

Update on how I’m navigating on a physical level… I’m beginning to feel pretty crappy, my friends.  I can fall asleep anywhere, at any time. My body has a heaviness I’ve never known before. So far, I’ve stayed awake during my commute (!).  Since I never experienced fatigue with my radiation treatment for breast cancer, I assumed that it was an exaggerated side effect or one experienced by people sicker than I was.  I was wrong.  It seems that having a significant area of your body burnt to a crisp, twice a day, every day, can tucker you out!

And my throat…oh, my throat…on Thursday, I met with Dr. Bowtie (rad onc) and when he asked if I needed any pain meds, I assured him that I was having only the mildest of pain.  But by Friday evening, the pain had become more severe than anything I have ever experienced except for the anesthesia-free wire localization prior to breast cancer surgery. Whoa.  So I put away the Friday night pizza I had been looking forward to and, with much difficulty, downed about a quarter cup of miso rice noodles. I discovered that frozen coconut bars are one of the few frozen desserts that don’t burn (really? grape juice burns?!), so I’ll now be stocking up on them, along with ingredients for smoothies, juices and soups. I am so grateful now for my juicer (thank you, Shannon) and my Vitamix! And I will now ask Dr. Bowtie to break out the prescription pad. In the meantime, it’s tylenol every 4 hours and Benadryl for the itching and mouth sores.

But as they say, it’s all good. This entire challenging process is so worthwhile if it brings me the opportunity to come to know the strong, beautiful, inspiring people who are walking this walk with me, allows me to see beneath the exterior of those with whom I would, ordinarily, relate to on a mostly superficial level, affords the chance to love and be loved by my family and dear friends and encourages me to go deep and connect with true Spirit. Yep, totally worthwhile.